Sweet Dream Or a Beautiful Nightmare?

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray I have no dreams of that creep. And if I wake having dreamt of my ex, does that mean that I'm a mess? 

 We all wonder what our dreams mean, yet it seems no one has a clue, at least not a real one. There's speculation that our dreams are our inner desires or representative pictures of a larger feeling we have. In that case, does that mean when that snake chased me on the school bus and my ex pushed me out the emergency exit window resulting in a concussion that I want my ex to rescue me from my #singlegirlproblems? I'd guess not. Yet, there's this obsession to figure out why we can't get him out of our head day and night. (Cudi was on to something there) 

Either way, maybe you miss him, maybe you want him back, maybe you thought about him right before you went to sleep. Who knows? I sure don't I'll tell you that. What I do know is that I'm ready to shake the chains of my dictating heart and set my dreams free. Here's my five before-bed remedies to stop dreaming about "him."

1. Eat something spicy

Your tummy will be rumbling so bad, all you'll be dreaming about is your bathroom...or a big jalapeno pepper chasing after you.

2.Watch a scary movie

 Now in this scenario, it is possible for you to dream about your ex snatching you from the claws of Freddy. However, watching a scary movie almost always leads to nightmares. (WARNING: do not try this if nightmares cause you any stress or pain)

3. Take a sleeping pill

You'll be knocked out so cold, you won't even be able to produce a thought.

4. Get drunk 

There's this amazing ability to have the best sleep of your life after one too many shots. Your morning will suck but hey, at least you won't dream about your ex.

5. Have sex

As the saying goes, 'to get over someone, get under someone else.' Not only will slapping the base with some random Tyrone soothe your feelings about your ex, but if Tyrone does what he's supposed to do, you'll be sleeping like a baby afterwards.

If none of these work, there's something wrong with you and you should seek a psychiatrist. But hey, who am I to seek advice from?

Oh No He Didn't: 10 Unacceptable Things Men Randomly Started Doing

There must be something in the water because men are getting shorter. My mother told me the average height of a man in her day was six feet. These days: 5’9”. What’s going on? I’m a 5’3” girl. Yet, when I wear heels to the club, I’m looking far too many men in the eye. I understand this isn’t their fault, so I won’t point the shallow, dissatisfied finger. However, I’ve noticed there are a slew of habits the males of my generation have adopted that my forefathers took no part in. I’ll leave it at 10 things men my age have all of a sudden started doing that are not only turn offs to women but are socially unacceptable.

1. The “K” Text

If you wouldn’t answer “k” when talking to me, why would you think it’d be more masculine to text it?

2.  Tight Ensembles

Male skinny jeans lasted for about four seasons. Muscle shirts, whitey tighties, and too small jackets took part in no season. Not spring. Not fall. Never.

3. Exposed Toes

It gets hot, I get it. But never so hot that I should see your untamed dogs while I’m out and about. No toesies, please.

4. Head of Locks

I don’t know if Jay-Z, Kanye, or Wiz Khalfia is to blame, but barber shops have to be experiencing the recession with all this hair growing men have been doing lately. This lengthy lock fad is not only bad for black businesses but is bad for your own business. You’ll get no job or woman. Cut it out. (Pun intended)

5. Glossy Chapstick

My lip gloss can be popping; yours can’t. Leave it to Carmax.

6.  Knowing Victoria’s Secret

I can see the lure of wanting to work in Victoria’s Secret: ladies & lingerie. However, you not only look desperate for needing to work in a female clothing store for action but now you know way more about women’s clothing tricks than you need to know. Not cool.

7. Drinking Moscato

It’s pink. It’s for women. Maybe Roscoe Dash. Get it? Not for you.

8. Booty Shaking

I like a man who can dance. I don’t like a man who can wind his hips better than I can. I don’t want to see you pop, lock, and drop it and neither does anyone else for that matter.

9. Social Network Whining

I know guys go through breakups and have hard times too. Stop bitching about it via Facebook and Twitter. It makes you look feminine and is not going to attract a lady to mend your heart.

10. A Shy Guy

I don’t like when men stand on the wall and stare at me. In fact, all women hate this. (minus the aggressive video types who live for attention) You want this; you gotta come get it.

Anything else men should just STOP doing?

  

You Say He's Just A Friend

“Oh baby you! Got what I need!” Okay, I’ll stop. Guys have lady friends who they’d like to bang, and I have a male friend (finally) who I’d like to bone, wet the monkey, slap the base, and take to the candy shop. Well…maybe that’s a bit exaggerated as well as inappropriate. Let’s scratch that and start again.

Girl meets Boy. Boy gives Girl his number. Girl uses it. They talk and talk, become best friends, and live happily ever after. Sounds like the perfect platonic scenario…but it actually sucks breast milk. DUDE, I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. (I mean this in the most nonaggressive, complimenting way just so you know) As much as I love making friends, I love making beaus even more. In other words, drop the “F” in BFF and give me what I want. I actually shouldn’t be complaining since I was just whining about having no homies, but now I have a homie and don’t want a homie. How paradoxically typical. I mean, yeah, I want a friend, a homie, and I’d really, really like a lover. (Whoops, getting a little personal again; sorry about that) It must be that cake metaphor.

I think several people from both genders can attest to crushing on a friend at least once. It’s by far the most awkward feeling and potentially the most awkward conversation the two of you will share if you dare to tackle it. So the question is: what do you do when you’re saying he’s just a friend, but you want more? Here are my three prescriptions for all you suffering from the friend-crush-pox.

1. Tell him!

Honestly, what harm can really come from telling your friend how you feel? After all, that’s what friends are for.  I mean, sure, he could get creeped out and go all ‘you want me and that ruins our friendship’ on your ass, true. But hey, you get it off your chest and he just may have the joneses for you too. It’s worth it to give it a shot.

2. Keep it to yourself

To avoid a tainted friendship due to your inability to keep the *whistle* in the box, don’t say anything. It’s better to have a friend who you think is cute hanging around than to be a lonely hermit. He just might not be that into you.

3. Play “hint and go seek”

A combination of 1. And 2., the saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ in this case holds true. You don’t want to tell him, and you don’t have to. But then there’s that little voice in your head telling you to not miss the potential opportunity to get your man! (as you should) Let your body do the talking. Send flirty texts, bat those lashes, touch his leg. He’ll pick up on your hints, and if he wants it, he’ll go get it. See? Hint and Seek.

So go for one of these options, and let me know how it works out. I’ll let you know for me ;-)

Things Men Want Women to Be...That Are Completely Unrealistic

We women know what we want. ‘Be romantic.’ ‘Tell me you love me.’ ‘Put the toilet seat down.’ And we rarely care what men want. You know, that ‘Hey I’m me, take it or leave it’ attitude. However, just as we have our list of desirable traits, so do men. Okay, maybe, they don’t write an actual list, but I digress. I’ve come across enough demanding bachelors to learn what several men may agree they’d like a woman to possess. Most of us don’t need to be rocket scientists to figure out what men want. (Come on, it’s not that difficult) But there are some desires that would make you go from a babe to a homey, lover, friend…despite how absurd they may be. If you’re ready to get a ring put on it, here are five things you need to figure out how to start doing or become.  

1. Be an NBA Live playing, Call of Duty banging, video gamer

Why any man after the age of 20 plays video games baffles me. Nonetheless, if you’re waiting in Game Stop to get that new FIFA 2012, you just might get asked out on a couple dates.

2. Live, breath, and get high off of ESPN

I’m a girl who likes sports. Hell, I even like to watch them every now and again. I don’t see why it’s critical to watch critiques on games, constant playbacks of game highlights, and every sports game on the planet. However, your boo loves ESPN and he wants you to too.

3. Throw down in the kitchen just like his mama

I understand that your mama ‘til this day can make an entire Thanksgiving feast in one afternoon, and it’s the best plate you’ve had all year, every year. That’s the same reason I love my mama too. But understand, your mama has had 10+ years of practice. Ladies, if you can make a glazed, juicy turkey from jump, you have his heart.

4. Not Have a Period

No tampons in the toilet. No pads in the garbage. No period panties. No PMS. No cramps. And sex on command. Yeah, it’d be nice if we didn’t have a period either. Blame Eve, not me. If you take that four periods a year pill, you’ll be much closer to putting on white than the rest of us. (No pun intended)

5. Be a freak-in-the-sheets virgin

Just like how the idea of our man having slept with dozens of women disgusts us, men want their wifey to have never been touched.  Yes, that’s right, a virgin…touched for the very first time. A La Perla wearing, reverse cowgirl riding, Jessica Rabbit virgin who likes to be choked, her hair pulled and her neck bit ONLY with him.

Either men need to get real or we women need to get with the program. What do you think?

The List

Every woman has a list. Probably to all of our detriment, but forgive me, I digressed. Where was I? Oh yes, every girl, lady, and woman has a hand written or mental catalog of the man of her dreams. These lists usually feature a handful of physical characteristics to keep our eyes and our other lady friend happy, but also a set of character traits we learned from some fictional bedtime story or Katherine Heigl chick flick about how a man should act. Why? Well besides the fact that writing lists are engrained in women (grocery lists, chore lists, etc.), we women have the unfortunate but likely tendency to stray from what’s best for us. Therefore, we need reminders as to which fish we want hooked on our line and which ones should be tossed back out into the sea.

I have a list. (Thankfully not the one pictured above) I was quite young when I sat down with a pen and paper to write down my ideal stud. One lazy summer in my early teenage years, I stumbled upon a book in my mother’s vast reading collection called Date Like A Man by Myreah Moore. Intrigued by the title and in a “boy crazy” state at the time, I decided to go ahead and give it a read. Looking back on it, this dating guide probably wasn’t the most appropriate thing for me to lay my hands on but hey, look where it has landed me. Back to the story. I read the book, and then I read it again. I was astonished that one woman not only understood how men acted, but had chapters and chapters worth of tips and tricks to help anyone speak man code.  Ms. Moore was the woman that introduced me to The List.

Steps to Making a Useful List

1.  Take a sheet of paper and fold it in half

2.  Write “WANTS” at the top of one half

3.  List all the character traits you desire in a man

4. Turn to the other side of the paper and write “NEEDS” at the top of one half

5. Out of all the wants you listed, pick ten you feel are necessary in a man

6. Voila! You’ve got your list!

At the tender of age of 14, I was armed with a list that I just knew was going to be the man of my dreams. I put The List in a spot where it’d be visible to me every day. Every day I looked at the back of my bedroom door, a reminder for just who I’m in the pursuit to snag as I walk out into the world. Fast forward six years and I’m as single as a one dollar bill. So I must ask myself: was the list actually helpful? Yes and No. No, I don’t have a man. But yes, I know exactly what I want in my future. So go ahead and make one. It doesn’t hurt, right? Once you snag him, just don’t let him know you had a list. You might be single again.

Grown Man Syndrome

There’s an old saying that goes, ‘there’s nothing like a man in a suit.’ C’est vrai mes amies. For the first 19 years of my life, this was old lady jargon. Once I waved salut to my teen years, I became fluent in the language of “grown ass man.” Yes, that’s right; “grown ass man.” See, there is a plethora of facial hair-having, job possessing, drinking-able men. (I use the term loosely) However, these simple credentials only make them a man to the state that issues their license. A man is truly defined by his character. Now I know you must be thinking, ‘how can we women tell of a man’s character at first glance?’ The answer, ladies, is simple: by what that man chooses to adorn himself in. In this case, clothes do indeed make the man.

I call this recognition of manhood “Coming of Age.” It’s that moment you wake up and wish there was a well built man fresh out the shower putting on his dress shirt, slacks, Kenneth Cole watch, and loafers to start the day. No longer do kicks and camos excite you. Nope. That ‘I have a career and not just a job’ look is what tingles the loins. This new found outlook recently happened to me.

Polo versus Axe. Briefcase versus backpack. Aldo versus Nike. Tie versus rosary beads. The differences are subtle yet speak volumes. One says, ‘I’m in college.’ The other: ‘I’m a successful graduate.’ Gone is the desire for boyish charm, and here to stay is masculine allure. Now I get what all that fuss over Denzel was about. It’s the grown man syndrome. Ha!

Second Chances

In the game of baseball, it’s three strikes and you’re out. That’s the rule and there’s no breaking it. In the dating game, the rules on strikes versus outs tend to bend a little. In some relationships, a guy can miss the ball time and time again and is still allowed to run the bases. However in other cases, after just one strike the coach is blowing her whistle and wants to call off the game. What’s the best solution? Should we women allow our player to continue in the game, bench him, or take him off the team? What helps us win the dating game? There’s really no right or wrong. Women have gone back to their men and have ended up marrying them, and then there are the ones that went back and completely regretted doing so. My take on the whole second chance debacle? Go for it. People make mistakes and ending that relationship may have been the biggest one you made. You won’t know whether it’s truly meant to be without letting him step up to bat for another try. For all you know he just may hit it out the park. So, ay batta batta swing!

What About Your (Guy) Friends?

I never had a guy friend. I’m not talking about the ones that speak to you in class or who follow you on Twitter. I’m talking about a real guy friend. A homie. An ace boon. A road dog. I’ve always wanted one of those. Guys don’t want to be friends though, at least not with me. Almost every time I’ve attempted comraderie with a male, it’s to no avail. One of us, if not both, catches feelings for the other. Yes, that’s right, the “like” bug (“love” bug in some cases) rides my coattails. He always end up wanting me. (I’m saying this in the least arrogant way possible by the way) It’s like every time I hire a new associate, I find him sleeping in the fitting room. Then there’s that awkward moment where we have to discuss his employment here on out and attempt to maintain a civil relationship.  Quite unlikely. So, they always end up fired. Sometimes they even quit. They no longer have a desire to befriend me. I’ve bruised their egos and guys just don’t want a friend like that.

What exactly is it that I’m doing? I love watching sports, I have an extensive knowledge of hip-hop, and I’m not emotional. I’d like to think I’m the ideal female confidant. What could it be? Well, I’ve come up with five things, I as well as any other woman with this issue, can do to make us more desirable as friends (just friends) to the opposite sex.

1. Be Approachable
Guys don’t want to be friends with a...uh...chienne. (excuse my French) Lessen the intimidation factor a bit. Just be one of the guys. You never see a man's arms crossed with a don’t mess with me face, now do you?

2. Stop Hanging Out with Women 25/8
If you want a guy friend, you’ve got to make room for one. Being around your girlfriends all the time sends the message that you’re a girl’s girl with interests that solely assimilate you to women.

3. Be Diverse
Despite men being so simple-minded, I must admit, they understand the concept of hobbies. Most women think this word is synonymous with shopping. No. We women are thinkers. Men are doers. If you want a guy friend, you better start doing stuff.

4. Be a Conversationalist
Not to generalize, but I notice women talk about a lot of the same things: men, any show with the word wives in it, and clothing. (shoes to actually) That’s it. Guys don’t want to talk about who you want. Guys don’t want to talk about that cute dress at H&M. And they damn sure don’t care who Evelyn is sleeping with. If you want a guy friend, you must expand your conversation topics.

Last but not least...

5. Go to the Gym
This may sound a bit odd, but roll with me on it. Go the gym! I attend a majority female, majority gay men, minority heterosexual male university. For an entire year, I believed no straight guys went to my school...until I went to the gym. (at 6 pm) Prime guy friend time. Guys love fitness. If you want a guy friend, the best place to find them is the gym. I swear they live in there.

P.S. DO NOT FLIRT! This is the mistake I’ve made in many of attempts at brotherhood. The minute you show the slightest interest, whether superficial or not, he’ll run away or run into your bedroom. Beware of the temptation of flirtation.

So, you’ve got a couple of tools to add to your belt. Now go get your friend!

The Ex Factor

 

What happens in the past, doesn’t stay in the past. It in fact haunts you in every relationship and makes you undateable. Harsh? Quite. But unfortunately, who you’ve called boo in ‘06 affects who you’re calling baby now. 

Have you ever wondered why he just had to do you wrong? Well here’s the answer: some shallow, naive bimbo back in high school slept with his friend. Okay, maybe this isn’t the situation in every case, but let’s just run with it. That scumbag of a girlfriend made him a douchebag of a boyfriend and you’re in his line of ego-bruised fire. Even worse, you leave the relationship with a singed butt. Now you have your arrows lit. It’s a bad chain of reactions I like to call “the ex factor.” The way your ex treated you in the relationship you two shared will play a role in every relationship to come...unfortunately.

I was recently propositioned by a fairly suitable young gentleman to enter a relationship with him, yet I turned him down. The first thing that crossed my mind? “Why would I ever commit myself to you when all men cheat?” Two Fouls. One: I made a generalization based on the actions of my exes. Two: I was about to turn down this poor young man who was only seeking companionship. Shame on me. Of course I didn’t get into a relationship. I will always have my reservations. That's a problem. Will I ever be able to let go of what my exes did? Yes...once I’m ready to throw a band-aid on that burn mark and let it heal.

Remember ladies, it’s an A & B relationship, leave your ex out. ;-)

The First Move

I pride myself on being a lady. The kind that crosses her legs when she sits, dabs the corners of her mouth when she eats, and bats her eyelashes when she meets an attractive person of the opposite sex. You know, the dated, Victorian girl. I may be a lady, but I’m still a lady of the 21^st century. Let me be specific. Men are no longer the hunting, grunting providers of the Stone Age. Guys don’t want to do all the work, and you know what, they shouldn’t have to. I know, I know. Hold on. Let me be even more specific. If you spot a guy you want, ladies, make that first move! Screw formalities and tradition. (Sorry Mom) It’s not the sixties. Men don’t “court” women anymore. We women these days are I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. And along with being independent, we must be self-sufficient. Just like you gotta go to the store and get your groceries, sometimes you got to go out and get your man.

Let me tell you how this revelation came about. This idea crept up on me the other day at work. I was sitting at my desk, cleaning out my email, when He approached. No, not God. This guy is heavenly nonetheless though. Now “he” (that’s better) is this amazingly perfect (at least physically) co-worker of mine that struts his little cute behind past my desk everyday I’m in. At first it started as small glances, but chile I got this man leaning over my desk chatting me up these past few weeks. I know right?! Whether it’s about the weather or how he’s feeling that day, Mr. Cute Behind seems to always find a reason to strut on over to my desk. Now being a lady, I reply accordingly and continue on with my work. No flirting. Strictly platonic answers. Why? I don’t know. Honestly. Maybe it’s the office setting that has me a little guarded or that he’s a slightly “older man.” (30 tops, but I’d take 25 years old for 200)

The other day, he was by my desk when I arrived. He looked at me. I scurried to the bathroom. He came back about an hour later. He said hello. Just a simple hello. I give a shy ‘hey.’ Another hour passes; he comes over and throws something in my wastebasket. (He has a wastebasket at his desk) About 30 minutes before I’m scheduled to leave, he finished out his rounds by fiddling with some papers on my desk. He glanced at me a couple times as he shuffled his papers. I continued to look at the computer screen. Then he stopped. Looked at me. I stopped. I looked at him, hoping this is the moment when he confesses his love , grabs my  hand, and we leave to celebrate over dinner at Butter. Back to reality. He said, ‘Can you believe it’s snowing today?’ I giggle to myself a little about what my mind was just concocting and, of course, respond accordingly. We chat. Our conversation abruptly ends. Someone beckons him and he leaves. This is the encounter Mr. Cute Behind and I have all the time. That day, I decided I was going to do something about it.

No longer will I be the polite, meek receptionist. No. (I’m not this girl anyway, by the way) Next time Mr. Cute Behind makes his rounds (next Wednesday) I plan to pull out all the stops. I will be dressed to boot. My hair will be combed (I’m a shake and go kind of a girl) and my lip-gloss will be popping. I will initiate conversation, and it ain’t gonna be about New York’s precipitation. Yes, that’s right. I’m going to make the first move. It’s time to get my man!

Black Herstory Month: Why Black Men are Great to Date

After 28 days of February, I’ve in no way participated in Black History month. To be honest, for the first half of the month I forgot what month it was, until of course Valentine’s day crept up. Then I started whining about not having a sexy, smart black man to call my own, and then boom. That’s when it dawned on me. It’s Black History Month. Usually I reread The Autobiography of Malcolm X, or deliberately sit in the front of the bus/train for the full 28 days, or enlighten a white person or few with some black history fun facts. However, this time around, it completely slipped my mind. I get this feeling a lot of other people didn’t take the time to celebrate the month either. So in honor of the less-than-climatic Black History Month, I’ve decided to honor black men. Yes. That’s right. For every day of this past month, I will name a reason to date a black man. Now, that’s how you celebrate. Enjoy : )

1. Black men are great at making children.

2. Black men typically have a great music collection.

3. Black men will protect their women at all costs.

4. Black men embrace the art of tattooing.

5. Black men are advocates of diversity. (In the women they date)

6. Black men have all exeperienced adversity.

7. Black men have that "swagger."

8.  Black men were raised by black women.

9. Black men appreciate curvier women.

10. Black men actually date black women.

11. Black men believe in a strong brotherhood.

12. Black men love fried chicken. (As do I)

13. Black men have a dynamic fashion sense.

14. Black men are well endowed. (It's true)

15. Black men are naturally athletic.

16. Black men have pretty eyelashes.

17. Black men are vocal.

18. Black men are steady performers. (Goes along with #14)

19. Black men are aggressive in the mating game.

20. Black men are fearless.

21. They're problem solvers. (Whatever problem you have, he'll have a solution. Not the best but a solution nonetheless)

22. Black men tend to have a close relationship with their mother. (Afterall, she raised him)

23. Black men are open to variety.

24. Black men know not to talk back. (Goes along with #8)

25. Black men can usually dance. (Goes along with #18)

26. Black men have strong opinions, and usually expresses them.

27. Black men come in all shapes and colors. (For our convenience)

28. Best of all, black men are great to date because they're black men.

Why Valentine's Day Kinda Doesn't Suck Because You're Not in a Relationship

Today. February 14. The day that causes everyone in love to be disgustingly ostentatious about it and everyone not in love to be bitter and vocal about it. The day that I usually pretend doesn't exist and always hope that it one day won't. Sad to say, I've never had a boo thang to buy naughty lingerie for on this lovey-dovey day. So instead of my usual mope and grope, and Tourette's like shouts of, '(Expletive) Valentine's Day' I'm going to change it up a bit. In honor of the hallmark holiday, better known as Valentine's Day, but best known to me as Single Awareness Day, I have spoofed up three reasons as to why one must celebrate this glorious occassion.

1. You Don't Have to Buy Anyone a Gift

While dozens of people were scrambling around last night in search of Godiva and red roses, we single folk were kicking back enjoying the Grammys. We got to appreciate the entire check we received on Friday, and we get discounted chocolate tomorrow...plus no one to have to share it with. Nah.

2. You'll Always Get a Card from your Mama

The only person that will love you unconditionally and is the only person who really matters on Valentine's Day: your mama. Screw trying to get laid (no pun intended). You know the person you should really be filling up with Ghirardelli and champagne is your mother. Despite your unappreciation, your madre will always bless with you nice card that says she loves you. Who needs a man when you have your mama?

3. Free, Depressed Booty

As sad as I am to admit this, guys, there is a lot of free, depressed booty walking around today. And, no, ladies I am not trying to put y'all out. Let's face facts. We're lonely and today reminds us of that. Unfortunately, there's a lot of women to take advantage of tonight. Hey, we even deserve it ourselves.

So, can you come up with any other reasons to celebrate?

Marriage Impossible

As a naïve little girl, I dreamt of my champagne-colored trumpet wedding dress from Kleinfeld’s, my black-tie extravaganza with yellow accents, and my ridiculously handsome, witty, 6’2” fiancé shedding a tear as I walk the aisle. My mother always told me fairytales never become reality. I recently woke up.

In the decade of Maury’s paternity tests, rich men declaring their bachelor lifestyle eternal, and MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, marriage is a thing of my parent’s generation (if that). I have a greater chance of being diagnosed with breast cancer, than finding the man of my dreams and us parting at death. I could really go on forever. Instead, I’ll leave it at five reasons why the institution of marriage has been shut down, a house doesn’t even know what a home is, and happily ever after is sadly, just laughter.   

1. Chivalry is Dead, Deceased, with an Expected Rebirth Never

The last time a man held open the door for me, it was solely to get a close-up view of my backside. Mind you, he had well reached and surpassed senior citizen status. I think the last time someone my age held open the door for me (and he held no romantic interests), was in the 5^th grade in Mrs. Tomasek’s class when Louis tried to slam the door on me, and Mrs. Tomasek wasn’t having it. My point in using these two examples is to stress that men hold absolutely no desire in being men. Real men. You know the kind we were tricked into believing existed by movies, books, and the occasional The Bachelor episode. Men want someone to cook, clean, have sex with, and show off to their friends. Opening the door for us is not included in their wants. We as women naturally want that stallion of a man who throws his coat down over puddles, showers us with flowers just because it’s Tuesday, and does everything that he possibly can to ensure our happiness. Once the vows are exchanged and the U-Haul pulls up, this behavior (if you ever even got the pleasure of experiencing it) goes away. If the woman can’t get what she really wants, marriage serves no purpose. Well, at least not for her.

2. Divorce and Marriage Go Hand-in-Hand like Peanut Butter and Jam

With the best of times come the worst of times, and these days strong-willed people are no longer for purchase, N/A, and sold out. After the first sign, red flag, or slight intuition, women run for the hills. Men run for the hills too, just the hills on a woman’s body. Anyway, you got a bunch of people running and no one sitting down and working through their problems. Now, some may argue with me on this one and say, ‘But wait. There are a bunch of couples who breakup and get back together.’ And to that I say, yeah, but those people most likely aren’t compatible. A lot of the break ups to make ups consist of men doing something wrong and women not wanting to be lonely. But the truth of the matter is, if your man felt you were his world, he wouldn’t be dipping into someone else’s or trying to (expletive) up his own world. Incompatible people for some reason like to get married…and then divorce. Compatible people like to get married too. They just also like to wave the white flag before they try to write up a treaty. Divorce, divorce, divorce. Just expect it. It comes with marriage, so there’s no point really.

3. Baby Mama Drama is the New Black

The Temptations were foretelling the future when they sang, “Papa was a rolling stone.” These days, men are planting their seed in every field, plain, mound and patch available. And for some reason, women are providing them with all the fertilizer they need. Like someone’s mother once said, ‘Why buy the cow, when you’re getting the milk for free?’ Instead of milk, ladies, y’all are handed these men child after child. Don’t be too surprised if all that time he’s been in that supermarket, he doesn’t plan on taking you to the checkout line. (I couldn’t help myself with the analogies on this one.)

4. It Really is Cheaper to Keep Her

Let’s say the unthinkable happens: you find the man of your dreams, you fall in love, and you get married. You make little rugrats. You two are basically like the stuff on TV from the ‘50s. Fast-forward ten years later. He never picks up after himself. He doesn’t call when he’s going to come home late. He hangs out with the guys every weekend, and the last time you’ve seen the inside of a restaurant with him was so long ago you can’t remember. You’re clearly ready for a divorce. Who’s going to pay for the divorce? Who’s going to pay child support? Who’s going to pay that mortgage by themselves? Who’s going to pay for the children to go to college? He ain’t never gonna divorce your ass, girl. You know why? Because it’s cheaper to keep you around. Point blank. Marriage doesn’t sound all that worth it, does it?

5. Commitment? Wait what’s that?

Every man knows what it is. Every man wishes his father knew what it meant. And yet, no man does it. What could this be? That age-old commitment my mama once told me about. I won’t beat the dead, decrepit horse over the head. Men don’t commit, so marrying them means a lifetime of adultery.

I just want to make the point that I do wish to be married someday; I’m just being realistic about what marriage is now. So, now that you have my opinion, what do you think about marriage today?