What Women Want...Sort Of

If you asked a woman what kind of man she wants, she’ll most likely answer with absolute confidence her exact requirements in a man. And watch out, there’s a good chance you’ll be sitting there all day. Oddly enough, the list of traits she so desires in her ideal beau rarely ever equate to the men currently, or most recently, in her life. ‘Now why is that?’ you may ask. Well the answer is quite simple really. What we women actually want isn’t what we think we want. I know that’s kind of confusing, so let me break it down one time. Okay, maybe two times.

The guy we dream of marrying is the guy society has taught us we should seek. Brad Pitt for his never-ending devotion to Angelina and all them damn babies, before he even married her I might add. Michael Ealy and the sexy, sweet characters he always lands because he’s physically immaculate. Barack Obama for his intelligence, depth, and fulfilled ambition. We tack these men on to our desktop backgrounds, but we don’t tack these men into our lives. And I know most of you are saying, ‘Well geez, if I could find men like these, I would tack and nail that a**!’ Yes, that’s what we’d all say, but I’ve seen women turn men like these down, including myself.

We don’t want a man who’s going to get us pregnant before the ring, no matter his devotion. We don’t want a man who’s too pretty and too nice, because that obviously equates to him being a total sleaze bag who’ll eventually break our hearts. And of course we don’t take the men who are extremely intelligent and driven for he’s into himself, must date white women, and doesn’t have time for us considering all that he’s accomplishing. These are the men we think we want, but when they’re up close and personal (with much less money of course), we don’t want them to ring our bell. Sh*t, we don’t even invite them on the boat.

Instead, we fall prey to the knock-off versions of these men:
1. The man who’s fathered every other women’s children, and still thinks he can get you pregnant without a ring
2. The man who’s “aight” who still manages to be a sleaze bag despite his lack of immaculateness
3. The man with all the potential in the world with no actual concrete plan in life

We offer these men the opportunity because it’s “safe.” Obviously not ideal, but safe. You know what you’re getting with these guys because there’s a great chance you’ve gotten one if not all three before. (There are many other types of men but I felt no need to go down that list) I digress. The man who looks too good to be true, we automatically take him for that: Too good to be true to us. But that’s not necessarily the case.

I technically can’t affirm or deny this way of thinking because I’ve yet to meet the guy that’s “too good.” Maybe I have and I just assumed there’s no way a guy like that would ever give a girl like me a shot. Who knows. I do know that I think I want a Morris Chestnut/Michael Ealy mash up, but I keep getting Ray Js with much less money of course.

Is it because I’m choosing these men? Or they are the only ones available? Should we women change our list of wants, or just be more realistic about what we want?

 

DWE: Dating-While-Educated

 

These days, a college degree is the new high school diploma. With Everest college and Education Connection, going to college isn’t special anymore. Everybody and their mama, and Ray Ray, and their sister-cousin-friend are in college, going to school, or my favorite “trying to do something with my life.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like that’s bad or anything, but how’s a girl supposed to weed out the educated men when almost all men are in college? Now at this point you may be asking, aren’t they educated men if they’re in college? Well, this used to be the case. Not anymore.

College used to be reserved for the brothers who really wanted to make something of themselves typically in the business, law, or medical sector and had the cojones to back it up. Today, the more guys I meet in college, the more I’m convinced colleges and universities are accepting anyone with some, and I repeat, some high school education. Now I know it’s a tough economy, but damn have a little selectivity. This isn’t my bougie girl talking either.

I mean a couple weeks ago I met a fairly decent young man in his senior year at a credible university who asked me did I have a tongue ring....like...what...the...f@*&%? This isn’t the first time I’ve been accosted by an “educated” man. Another fairly decent young man at an accredited university told me the reason why he was single because it’s, and I quote, “money over b******.” Serious face. Now how in the hell am I supposed to meet my future Mr. Obama when men, and I use that term loosely, such as these are in college?

My point exactly. If anything, weeding out educated men isn’t really the task on the agenda; it’s more finding any educated men in college. I’ve been to several college parties where I’m astonished that universities are handing out degrees to these guys. The only conversation you can provide me with is where you party? What happened to current events and hobbies? Once again, a college degree is the new high school diploma. Everybody’s getting one so why don’t you get one too? (Completely and totally making a sarcastic joke here, by the way)

Now you understand my plight of dating-while-educated. You’d assume that you’d be able to meet or at least run into a couple clearly-going-to-own-his-own-business-empire kind of men. Quite the contrary. I still meet men in college who are excited by my intelligence, as if being intelligent is not a requirement for college (obviously). It’s like, are you not used to meeting intelligent girls in college..? Actually now that I think about it, that’s quite understandable since I’m not used to meeting desirable, intelligent, black men who are in college either.

I gladly attached the DWE sticker to my ass when I accepted my offer to university (as the Brits say) over 3 years ago. But now I just want to rip it off. Dating-while-educated has proven to be more of a cheap bumper sticker than a gleaming badge of honor. S***, everyone’s DWE. (and DUI in most cases I know)

 

Deep Conditioning

 

“Long hair, don’t care” the boys preach as I reach for the $4.99 creamy crack. Every 2 months. 8 weeks. 56 days. A lifetime of addiction. Well, I wouldn’t call it an addiction per se. Well, maybe. Merely one of life’s necessities, like food or water. A black woman’s necessity. Soft & Beautiful Just For Me. You see, I must scratch the “good hair” itch, while my natural-haired peers ridicule my requirement. Merely rooted from a shallow desire or stemmed from a deep-seeded dislike, they assume. Quite the contrary. 

Must I debate with my dreaded, locked, afro-sporting sisters because I hadn’t experienced the damaging effects of permanents? They had been beat down and tore up.  From broken ends to a lack of hair growth to scalp burns, these women chose to end their relationship with relaxers because of the abuse they endured. But, the creamy crack had been good to me. The creamy crack treated me well and I had no reason to call it quits and move on. My hair was long, thick, and nicely moisturized. A success story of a relaxer? Possibly. Most girls can’t believe it. Can’t believe it to the extent to which they see it fit to contest why my “good hair” will only last so long. As if my creamy crack will one day turn its back on me and leave me bald headed and regretful. To their disappointment, my creamy crack and I are forever. 

Do I suffer through the discomfort of the ammonium thioglycolate in a simple-minded attempt to assimilate? Do I relax my texture to soften the blows of those not of my culture? Yes, I thin my thick roots. I crave employment. I fixate over easy mornings. I obsess over broken combs. But no, I’m not enslaved by my addiction. Merely infatuated. A case of deep conditioning is all. 

 

Sweet Dream Or a Beautiful Nightmare?

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray I have no dreams of that creep. And if I wake having dreamt of my ex, does that mean that I'm a mess? 

 We all wonder what our dreams mean, yet it seems no one has a clue, at least not a real one. There's speculation that our dreams are our inner desires or representative pictures of a larger feeling we have. In that case, does that mean when that snake chased me on the school bus and my ex pushed me out the emergency exit window resulting in a concussion that I want my ex to rescue me from my #singlegirlproblems? I'd guess not. Yet, there's this obsession to figure out why we can't get him out of our head day and night. (Cudi was on to something there) 

Either way, maybe you miss him, maybe you want him back, maybe you thought about him right before you went to sleep. Who knows? I sure don't I'll tell you that. What I do know is that I'm ready to shake the chains of my dictating heart and set my dreams free. Here's my five before-bed remedies to stop dreaming about "him."

1. Eat something spicy

Your tummy will be rumbling so bad, all you'll be dreaming about is your bathroom...or a big jalapeno pepper chasing after you.

2.Watch a scary movie

 Now in this scenario, it is possible for you to dream about your ex snatching you from the claws of Freddy. However, watching a scary movie almost always leads to nightmares. (WARNING: do not try this if nightmares cause you any stress or pain)

3. Take a sleeping pill

You'll be knocked out so cold, you won't even be able to produce a thought.

4. Get drunk 

There's this amazing ability to have the best sleep of your life after one too many shots. Your morning will suck but hey, at least you won't dream about your ex.

5. Have sex

As the saying goes, 'to get over someone, get under someone else.' Not only will slapping the base with some random Tyrone soothe your feelings about your ex, but if Tyrone does what he's supposed to do, you'll be sleeping like a baby afterwards.

If none of these work, there's something wrong with you and you should seek a psychiatrist. But hey, who am I to seek advice from?

Oh No He Didn't: 10 Unacceptable Things Men Randomly Started Doing

There must be something in the water because men are getting shorter. My mother told me the average height of a man in her day was six feet. These days: 5’9”. What’s going on? I’m a 5’3” girl. Yet, when I wear heels to the club, I’m looking far too many men in the eye. I understand this isn’t their fault, so I won’t point the shallow, dissatisfied finger. However, I’ve noticed there are a slew of habits the males of my generation have adopted that my forefathers took no part in. I’ll leave it at 10 things men my age have all of a sudden started doing that are not only turn offs to women but are socially unacceptable.

1. The “K” Text

If you wouldn’t answer “k” when talking to me, why would you think it’d be more masculine to text it?

2.  Tight Ensembles

Male skinny jeans lasted for about four seasons. Muscle shirts, whitey tighties, and too small jackets took part in no season. Not spring. Not fall. Never.

3. Exposed Toes

It gets hot, I get it. But never so hot that I should see your untamed dogs while I’m out and about. No toesies, please.

4. Head of Locks

I don’t know if Jay-Z, Kanye, or Wiz Khalfia is to blame, but barber shops have to be experiencing the recession with all this hair growing men have been doing lately. This lengthy lock fad is not only bad for black businesses but is bad for your own business. You’ll get no job or woman. Cut it out. (Pun intended)

5. Glossy Chapstick

My lip gloss can be popping; yours can’t. Leave it to Carmax.

6.  Knowing Victoria’s Secret

I can see the lure of wanting to work in Victoria’s Secret: ladies & lingerie. However, you not only look desperate for needing to work in a female clothing store for action but now you know way more about women’s clothing tricks than you need to know. Not cool.

7. Drinking Moscato

It’s pink. It’s for women. Maybe Roscoe Dash. Get it? Not for you.

8. Booty Shaking

I like a man who can dance. I don’t like a man who can wind his hips better than I can. I don’t want to see you pop, lock, and drop it and neither does anyone else for that matter.

9. Social Network Whining

I know guys go through breakups and have hard times too. Stop bitching about it via Facebook and Twitter. It makes you look feminine and is not going to attract a lady to mend your heart.

10. A Shy Guy

I don’t like when men stand on the wall and stare at me. In fact, all women hate this. (minus the aggressive video types who live for attention) You want this; you gotta come get it.

Anything else men should just STOP doing?

  

You Say He's Just A Friend

“Oh baby you! Got what I need!” Okay, I’ll stop. Guys have lady friends who they’d like to bang, and I have a male friend (finally) who I’d like to bone, wet the monkey, slap the base, and take to the candy shop. Well…maybe that’s a bit exaggerated as well as inappropriate. Let’s scratch that and start again.

Girl meets Boy. Boy gives Girl his number. Girl uses it. They talk and talk, become best friends, and live happily ever after. Sounds like the perfect platonic scenario…but it actually sucks breast milk. DUDE, I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. (I mean this in the most nonaggressive, complimenting way just so you know) As much as I love making friends, I love making beaus even more. In other words, drop the “F” in BFF and give me what I want. I actually shouldn’t be complaining since I was just whining about having no homies, but now I have a homie and don’t want a homie. How paradoxically typical. I mean, yeah, I want a friend, a homie, and I’d really, really like a lover. (Whoops, getting a little personal again; sorry about that) It must be that cake metaphor.

I think several people from both genders can attest to crushing on a friend at least once. It’s by far the most awkward feeling and potentially the most awkward conversation the two of you will share if you dare to tackle it. So the question is: what do you do when you’re saying he’s just a friend, but you want more? Here are my three prescriptions for all you suffering from the friend-crush-pox.

1. Tell him!

Honestly, what harm can really come from telling your friend how you feel? After all, that’s what friends are for.  I mean, sure, he could get creeped out and go all ‘you want me and that ruins our friendship’ on your ass, true. But hey, you get it off your chest and he just may have the joneses for you too. It’s worth it to give it a shot.

2. Keep it to yourself

To avoid a tainted friendship due to your inability to keep the *whistle* in the box, don’t say anything. It’s better to have a friend who you think is cute hanging around than to be a lonely hermit. He just might not be that into you.

3. Play “hint and go seek”

A combination of 1. And 2., the saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ in this case holds true. You don’t want to tell him, and you don’t have to. But then there’s that little voice in your head telling you to not miss the potential opportunity to get your man! (as you should) Let your body do the talking. Send flirty texts, bat those lashes, touch his leg. He’ll pick up on your hints, and if he wants it, he’ll go get it. See? Hint and Seek.

So go for one of these options, and let me know how it works out. I’ll let you know for me ;-)

Things Men Want Women to Be...That Are Completely Unrealistic

We women know what we want. ‘Be romantic.’ ‘Tell me you love me.’ ‘Put the toilet seat down.’ And we rarely care what men want. You know, that ‘Hey I’m me, take it or leave it’ attitude. However, just as we have our list of desirable traits, so do men. Okay, maybe, they don’t write an actual list, but I digress. I’ve come across enough demanding bachelors to learn what several men may agree they’d like a woman to possess. Most of us don’t need to be rocket scientists to figure out what men want. (Come on, it’s not that difficult) But there are some desires that would make you go from a babe to a homey, lover, friend…despite how absurd they may be. If you’re ready to get a ring put on it, here are five things you need to figure out how to start doing or become.  

1. Be an NBA Live playing, Call of Duty banging, video gamer

Why any man after the age of 20 plays video games baffles me. Nonetheless, if you’re waiting in Game Stop to get that new FIFA 2012, you just might get asked out on a couple dates.

2. Live, breath, and get high off of ESPN

I’m a girl who likes sports. Hell, I even like to watch them every now and again. I don’t see why it’s critical to watch critiques on games, constant playbacks of game highlights, and every sports game on the planet. However, your boo loves ESPN and he wants you to too.

3. Throw down in the kitchen just like his mama

I understand that your mama ‘til this day can make an entire Thanksgiving feast in one afternoon, and it’s the best plate you’ve had all year, every year. That’s the same reason I love my mama too. But understand, your mama has had 10+ years of practice. Ladies, if you can make a glazed, juicy turkey from jump, you have his heart.

4. Not Have a Period

No tampons in the toilet. No pads in the garbage. No period panties. No PMS. No cramps. And sex on command. Yeah, it’d be nice if we didn’t have a period either. Blame Eve, not me. If you take that four periods a year pill, you’ll be much closer to putting on white than the rest of us. (No pun intended)

5. Be a freak-in-the-sheets virgin

Just like how the idea of our man having slept with dozens of women disgusts us, men want their wifey to have never been touched.  Yes, that’s right, a virgin…touched for the very first time. A La Perla wearing, reverse cowgirl riding, Jessica Rabbit virgin who likes to be choked, her hair pulled and her neck bit ONLY with him.

Either men need to get real or we women need to get with the program. What do you think?