Oh No He Didn't: 10 Unacceptable Things Men Randomly Started Doing

There must be something in the water because men are getting shorter. My mother told me the average height of a man in her day was six feet. These days: 5’9”. What’s going on? I’m a 5’3” girl. Yet, when I wear heels to the club, I’m looking far too many men in the eye. I understand this isn’t their fault, so I won’t point the shallow, dissatisfied finger. However, I’ve noticed there are a slew of habits the males of my generation have adopted that my forefathers took no part in. I’ll leave it at 10 things men my age have all of a sudden started doing that are not only turn offs to women but are socially unacceptable.

1. The “K” Text

If you wouldn’t answer “k” when talking to me, why would you think it’d be more masculine to text it?

2.  Tight Ensembles

Male skinny jeans lasted for about four seasons. Muscle shirts, whitey tighties, and too small jackets took part in no season. Not spring. Not fall. Never.

3. Exposed Toes

It gets hot, I get it. But never so hot that I should see your untamed dogs while I’m out and about. No toesies, please.

4. Head of Locks

I don’t know if Jay-Z, Kanye, or Wiz Khalfia is to blame, but barber shops have to be experiencing the recession with all this hair growing men have been doing lately. This lengthy lock fad is not only bad for black businesses but is bad for your own business. You’ll get no job or woman. Cut it out. (Pun intended)

5. Glossy Chapstick

My lip gloss can be popping; yours can’t. Leave it to Carmax.

6.  Knowing Victoria’s Secret

I can see the lure of wanting to work in Victoria’s Secret: ladies & lingerie. However, you not only look desperate for needing to work in a female clothing store for action but now you know way more about women’s clothing tricks than you need to know. Not cool.

7. Drinking Moscato

It’s pink. It’s for women. Maybe Roscoe Dash. Get it? Not for you.

8. Booty Shaking

I like a man who can dance. I don’t like a man who can wind his hips better than I can. I don’t want to see you pop, lock, and drop it and neither does anyone else for that matter.

9. Social Network Whining

I know guys go through breakups and have hard times too. Stop bitching about it via Facebook and Twitter. It makes you look feminine and is not going to attract a lady to mend your heart.

10. A Shy Guy

I don’t like when men stand on the wall and stare at me. In fact, all women hate this. (minus the aggressive video types who live for attention) You want this; you gotta come get it.

Anything else men should just STOP doing?

  

You Say He's Just A Friend

“Oh baby you! Got what I need!” Okay, I’ll stop. Guys have lady friends who they’d like to bang, and I have a male friend (finally) who I’d like to bone, wet the monkey, slap the base, and take to the candy shop. Well…maybe that’s a bit exaggerated as well as inappropriate. Let’s scratch that and start again.

Girl meets Boy. Boy gives Girl his number. Girl uses it. They talk and talk, become best friends, and live happily ever after. Sounds like the perfect platonic scenario…but it actually sucks breast milk. DUDE, I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. (I mean this in the most nonaggressive, complimenting way just so you know) As much as I love making friends, I love making beaus even more. In other words, drop the “F” in BFF and give me what I want. I actually shouldn’t be complaining since I was just whining about having no homies, but now I have a homie and don’t want a homie. How paradoxically typical. I mean, yeah, I want a friend, a homie, and I’d really, really like a lover. (Whoops, getting a little personal again; sorry about that) It must be that cake metaphor.

I think several people from both genders can attest to crushing on a friend at least once. It’s by far the most awkward feeling and potentially the most awkward conversation the two of you will share if you dare to tackle it. So the question is: what do you do when you’re saying he’s just a friend, but you want more? Here are my three prescriptions for all you suffering from the friend-crush-pox.

1. Tell him!

Honestly, what harm can really come from telling your friend how you feel? After all, that’s what friends are for.  I mean, sure, he could get creeped out and go all ‘you want me and that ruins our friendship’ on your ass, true. But hey, you get it off your chest and he just may have the joneses for you too. It’s worth it to give it a shot.

2. Keep it to yourself

To avoid a tainted friendship due to your inability to keep the *whistle* in the box, don’t say anything. It’s better to have a friend who you think is cute hanging around than to be a lonely hermit. He just might not be that into you.

3. Play “hint and go seek”

A combination of 1. And 2., the saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ in this case holds true. You don’t want to tell him, and you don’t have to. But then there’s that little voice in your head telling you to not miss the potential opportunity to get your man! (as you should) Let your body do the talking. Send flirty texts, bat those lashes, touch his leg. He’ll pick up on your hints, and if he wants it, he’ll go get it. See? Hint and Seek.

So go for one of these options, and let me know how it works out. I’ll let you know for me ;-)

Things Men Want Women to Be...That Are Completely Unrealistic

We women know what we want. ‘Be romantic.’ ‘Tell me you love me.’ ‘Put the toilet seat down.’ And we rarely care what men want. You know, that ‘Hey I’m me, take it or leave it’ attitude. However, just as we have our list of desirable traits, so do men. Okay, maybe, they don’t write an actual list, but I digress. I’ve come across enough demanding bachelors to learn what several men may agree they’d like a woman to possess. Most of us don’t need to be rocket scientists to figure out what men want. (Come on, it’s not that difficult) But there are some desires that would make you go from a babe to a homey, lover, friend…despite how absurd they may be. If you’re ready to get a ring put on it, here are five things you need to figure out how to start doing or become.  

1. Be an NBA Live playing, Call of Duty banging, video gamer

Why any man after the age of 20 plays video games baffles me. Nonetheless, if you’re waiting in Game Stop to get that new FIFA 2012, you just might get asked out on a couple dates.

2. Live, breath, and get high off of ESPN

I’m a girl who likes sports. Hell, I even like to watch them every now and again. I don’t see why it’s critical to watch critiques on games, constant playbacks of game highlights, and every sports game on the planet. However, your boo loves ESPN and he wants you to too.

3. Throw down in the kitchen just like his mama

I understand that your mama ‘til this day can make an entire Thanksgiving feast in one afternoon, and it’s the best plate you’ve had all year, every year. That’s the same reason I love my mama too. But understand, your mama has had 10+ years of practice. Ladies, if you can make a glazed, juicy turkey from jump, you have his heart.

4. Not Have a Period

No tampons in the toilet. No pads in the garbage. No period panties. No PMS. No cramps. And sex on command. Yeah, it’d be nice if we didn’t have a period either. Blame Eve, not me. If you take that four periods a year pill, you’ll be much closer to putting on white than the rest of us. (No pun intended)

5. Be a freak-in-the-sheets virgin

Just like how the idea of our man having slept with dozens of women disgusts us, men want their wifey to have never been touched.  Yes, that’s right, a virgin…touched for the very first time. A La Perla wearing, reverse cowgirl riding, Jessica Rabbit virgin who likes to be choked, her hair pulled and her neck bit ONLY with him.

Either men need to get real or we women need to get with the program. What do you think?