What Women Want...Sort Of

If you asked a woman what kind of man she wants, she’ll most likely answer with absolute confidence her exact requirements in a man. And watch out, there’s a good chance you’ll be sitting there all day. Oddly enough, the list of traits she so desires in her ideal beau rarely ever equate to the men currently, or most recently, in her life. ‘Now why is that?’ you may ask. Well the answer is quite simple really. What we women actually want isn’t what we think we want. I know that’s kind of confusing, so let me break it down one time. Okay, maybe two times.

The guy we dream of marrying is the guy society has taught us we should seek. Brad Pitt for his never-ending devotion to Angelina and all them damn babies, before he even married her I might add. Michael Ealy and the sexy, sweet characters he always lands because he’s physically immaculate. Barack Obama for his intelligence, depth, and fulfilled ambition. We tack these men on to our desktop backgrounds, but we don’t tack these men into our lives. And I know most of you are saying, ‘Well geez, if I could find men like these, I would tack and nail that a**!’ Yes, that’s what we’d all say, but I’ve seen women turn men like these down, including myself.

We don’t want a man who’s going to get us pregnant before the ring, no matter his devotion. We don’t want a man who’s too pretty and too nice, because that obviously equates to him being a total sleaze bag who’ll eventually break our hearts. And of course we don’t take the men who are extremely intelligent and driven for he’s into himself, must date white women, and doesn’t have time for us considering all that he’s accomplishing. These are the men we think we want, but when they’re up close and personal (with much less money of course), we don’t want them to ring our bell. Sh*t, we don’t even invite them on the boat.

Instead, we fall prey to the knock-off versions of these men:
1. The man who’s fathered every other women’s children, and still thinks he can get you pregnant without a ring
2. The man who’s “aight” who still manages to be a sleaze bag despite his lack of immaculateness
3. The man with all the potential in the world with no actual concrete plan in life

We offer these men the opportunity because it’s “safe.” Obviously not ideal, but safe. You know what you’re getting with these guys because there’s a great chance you’ve gotten one if not all three before. (There are many other types of men but I felt no need to go down that list) I digress. The man who looks too good to be true, we automatically take him for that: Too good to be true to us. But that’s not necessarily the case.

I technically can’t affirm or deny this way of thinking because I’ve yet to meet the guy that’s “too good.” Maybe I have and I just assumed there’s no way a guy like that would ever give a girl like me a shot. Who knows. I do know that I think I want a Morris Chestnut/Michael Ealy mash up, but I keep getting Ray Js with much less money of course.

Is it because I’m choosing these men? Or they are the only ones available? Should we women change our list of wants, or just be more realistic about what we want?

 

DWE: Dating-While-Educated

 

These days, a college degree is the new high school diploma. With Everest college and Education Connection, going to college isn’t special anymore. Everybody and their mama, and Ray Ray, and their sister-cousin-friend are in college, going to school, or my favorite “trying to do something with my life.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like that’s bad or anything, but how’s a girl supposed to weed out the educated men when almost all men are in college? Now at this point you may be asking, aren’t they educated men if they’re in college? Well, this used to be the case. Not anymore.

College used to be reserved for the brothers who really wanted to make something of themselves typically in the business, law, or medical sector and had the cojones to back it up. Today, the more guys I meet in college, the more I’m convinced colleges and universities are accepting anyone with some, and I repeat, some high school education. Now I know it’s a tough economy, but damn have a little selectivity. This isn’t my bougie girl talking either.

I mean a couple weeks ago I met a fairly decent young man in his senior year at a credible university who asked me did I have a tongue ring....like...what...the...f@*&%? This isn’t the first time I’ve been accosted by an “educated” man. Another fairly decent young man at an accredited university told me the reason why he was single because it’s, and I quote, “money over b******.” Serious face. Now how in the hell am I supposed to meet my future Mr. Obama when men, and I use that term loosely, such as these are in college?

My point exactly. If anything, weeding out educated men isn’t really the task on the agenda; it’s more finding any educated men in college. I’ve been to several college parties where I’m astonished that universities are handing out degrees to these guys. The only conversation you can provide me with is where you party? What happened to current events and hobbies? Once again, a college degree is the new high school diploma. Everybody’s getting one so why don’t you get one too? (Completely and totally making a sarcastic joke here, by the way)

Now you understand my plight of dating-while-educated. You’d assume that you’d be able to meet or at least run into a couple clearly-going-to-own-his-own-business-empire kind of men. Quite the contrary. I still meet men in college who are excited by my intelligence, as if being intelligent is not a requirement for college (obviously). It’s like, are you not used to meeting intelligent girls in college..? Actually now that I think about it, that’s quite understandable since I’m not used to meeting desirable, intelligent, black men who are in college either.

I gladly attached the DWE sticker to my ass when I accepted my offer to university (as the Brits say) over 3 years ago. But now I just want to rip it off. Dating-while-educated has proven to be more of a cheap bumper sticker than a gleaming badge of honor. S***, everyone’s DWE. (and DUI in most cases I know)

 

Deep Conditioning

 

“Long hair, don’t care” the boys preach as I reach for the $4.99 creamy crack. Every 2 months. 8 weeks. 56 days. A lifetime of addiction. Well, I wouldn’t call it an addiction per se. Well, maybe. Merely one of life’s necessities, like food or water. A black woman’s necessity. Soft & Beautiful Just For Me. You see, I must scratch the “good hair” itch, while my natural-haired peers ridicule my requirement. Merely rooted from a shallow desire or stemmed from a deep-seeded dislike, they assume. Quite the contrary. 

Must I debate with my dreaded, locked, afro-sporting sisters because I hadn’t experienced the damaging effects of permanents? They had been beat down and tore up.  From broken ends to a lack of hair growth to scalp burns, these women chose to end their relationship with relaxers because of the abuse they endured. But, the creamy crack had been good to me. The creamy crack treated me well and I had no reason to call it quits and move on. My hair was long, thick, and nicely moisturized. A success story of a relaxer? Possibly. Most girls can’t believe it. Can’t believe it to the extent to which they see it fit to contest why my “good hair” will only last so long. As if my creamy crack will one day turn its back on me and leave me bald headed and regretful. To their disappointment, my creamy crack and I are forever. 

Do I suffer through the discomfort of the ammonium thioglycolate in a simple-minded attempt to assimilate? Do I relax my texture to soften the blows of those not of my culture? Yes, I thin my thick roots. I crave employment. I fixate over easy mornings. I obsess over broken combs. But no, I’m not enslaved by my addiction. Merely infatuated. A case of deep conditioning is all.