As a naïve little girl, I dreamt of my champagne-colored trumpet wedding dress from Kleinfeld’s, my black-tie extravaganza with yellow accents, and my ridiculously handsome, witty, 6’2” fiancé shedding a tear as I walk the aisle. My mother always told me fairytales never become reality. I recently woke up.
In the decade of Maury’s paternity tests, rich men declaring their bachelor lifestyle eternal, and MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, marriage is a thing of my parent’s generation (if that). I have a greater chance of being diagnosed with breast cancer, than finding the man of my dreams and us parting at death. I could really go on forever. Instead, I’ll leave it at five reasons why the institution of marriage has been shut down, a house doesn’t even know what a home is, and happily ever after is sadly, just laughter.
Chivalry is Dead, Deceased, with an Expected Rebirth Never
The last time a man held open the door for me, it was solely to get a close-up view of my backside. Mind you, he had well reached and surpassed senior citizen status. I think the last time someone my age held open the door for me (and he held no romantic interests), was in the 5th grade in Mrs. Tomasek’s class when Louis tried to slam the door on me, and Mrs. Tomasek wasn’t having it. My point in using these two examples is to stress that men hold absolutely no desire in being men. Real men. You know the kind we were tricked into believing existed by movies, books, and the occasional The Bachelor episode. Men want someone to cook, clean, have sex with, and show off to their friends. Opening the door for us is not included in their wants. We as women naturally want that stallion of a man who throws his coat down over puddles, showers us with flowers just because it’s Tuesday, and does everything that he possibly can to ensure our happiness. Once the vows are exchanged and the U-Haul pulls up, this behavior (if you ever even got the pleasure of experiencing it) goes away. If the woman can’t get what she really wants, marriage serves no purpose. Well, at least not for her.
Divorce and Marriage Go Hand-in-Hand like Peanut Butter and Jam
With the best of times come the worst of times, and these days strong-willed people are no longer for purchase, N/A, and sold out. After the first sign, red flag, or slight intuition, women run for the hills. Men run for the hills too, just the hills on a woman’s body. Anyway, you got a bunch of people running and no one sitting down and working through their problems. Now, some may argue with me on this one and say, ‘But wait. There are a bunch of couples who breakup and get back together.’ And to that I say, yeah, but those people most likely aren’t compatible. A lot of the break ups to make ups consist of men doing something wrong and women not wanting to be lonely. But the truth of the matter is, if your man felt you were his world, he wouldn’t be dipping into someone else’s or trying to (expletive) up his own world. Incompatible people for some reason like to get married…and then divorce. Compatible people like to get married too. They just also like to wave the white flag before they try to write up a treaty. Divorce, divorce, divorce. Just expect it. It comes with marriage, so there’s no point really.
Baby Mama Drama is the New Black
The Temptations were foretelling the future when they sang, “Papa was a rolling stone.” These days, men are planting their seed in every field, plain, mound and patch available. And for some reason, women are providing them with all the fertilizer they need. Like someone’s mother once said, ‘Why buy the cow, when you’re getting the milk for free?’ Instead of milk, ladies, y’all are handed these men child after child. Don’t be too surprised if all that time he’s been in that supermarket, he doesn’t plan on taking you to the checkout line. (I couldn’t help myself with the analogies on this one.)
It Really is Cheaper to Keep Her
Let’s say the unthinkable happens: you find the man of your dreams, you fall in love, and you get married. You make little rugrats. You two are basically like the stuff on TV from the ‘50s. Fast-forward ten years later. He never picks up after himself. He doesn’t call when he’s going to come home late. He hangs out with the guys every weekend, and the last time you’ve seen the inside of a restaurant with him was so long ago you can’t remember. You’re clearly ready for a divorce. Who’s going to pay for the divorce? Who’s going to pay child support? Who’s going to pay that mortgage by themselves? Who’s going to pay for the children to go to college? He ain’t never gonna divorce your ass, girl. You know why? Because it’s cheaper to keep you around. Point blank. Marriage doesn’t sound all that worth it, does it?
Commitment? Wait what’s that?
Every man knows what it is. Every man wishes his father knew what it meant. And yet, no man does it. What could this be? That age-old commitment my mama once told me about. I won’t beat the dead, decrepit horse over the head. Men don’t commit, so marrying them means a lifetime of adultery.
I just want to make the point that I do wish to be married someday; I’m just being realistic about what marriage is now. So, now that you have my opinion, what do you think about marriage today?
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